Category Archives: Uncategorized

Because of the color of my skin..

A child doesn’t really notice their flaws until someone points them out, and my family sure as hell did not beat around the bush when it came to mine.
Skin color shouldn’t matter! I was born dark compared to my family. And because I was, some of my family was disgusted by my skin color. Growing up my family has made sure I know I’m ugly because I’m dark.
“You’re so dark.”
“Black bitch!”
“Why don’t you go bleach yourself?!”
So that’s what I did, I grabbed bleach and put it all over my face and body.

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I have had enough so I tried everything possible to make myself at least a shade lighter. Bleach, baking soda, lemon, milk and other skin whitening products. I had burned some of my skin off using baking soda and lemon .
When people would ask to the part of my body that got burned I would say “oh, haha I fell running.”
I’m so insecure, I don’t want anyone to look at me because I’m dark and ugly I think I’ve heard it enough times I actually believe it.

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I just want to let you know that words do hurt. And watch everything you say to your kids, I don’t want them to feel the pain that I do. I know that pain very well, and let me tell you it hurts soo much.

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You take my breath away

this love is torturous
It didnt take much
For you to gain my love
Did the impossible
Nobody knows me I’m cold
Walk down this road all alone
It’s no one’s fault but my own
It’s the path I’ve chosen to take
Was loving you a mistake?
If I known then what I know now
I’d probably do the same.
I show no emotion except to you
I got a hole in my heart,
You seem to fill it up
you give me some kind of emotional roller coaster
You said I deserve better, so it’s over
It’s like an explosion every time I hold ya

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I wasn’t joking when I told you,
You take my breath away
But the things you say
Either break my heart or put it all together
Don’t matter what you do or say I won’t ever leave you
Ill stay
I love you too much to let you go
And you already fucken know

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But when I’m with you I get a certain feeling
With you, I have no strength
There’s no limit on how far I would go
To please you, no lengths
But so much is at stake, the fuck does it take,
to make you stay!
After all this time, you no longer want me
I never mistreated you
I’m pouring my heart out to you
I drop to my knees trying to keep you from leaving.

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But you won’t give it a second thought no.
Fuck you!
I ain’t gonna sit here waiting around for you. I will keep moving forward without you
Listen to this
I’m just lying to myself.
You’re the only one that can make tears fall down my face
Ill just have to move on at my own pace.

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it’s all over now
It’s too late to save our love now
Just promise me you’ll think of me every time you hear our song on the radio
God, This relationship has been hell.
He makes me feel like I was locked in a cell
A cell, but he made it feel like paradise.
He made a way of things seem alright
But what would I do if I see him again?

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Pain is the only thing telling me I’m alive

I still laugh
I still smile
But it only last for a while
Behind closed doors, I cry
I cry and I cry.
I cut too
People will check my wrists but not my thighs.

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People will ask
” are you okay?”
An I will respond with my usual lie
” I am fine”
The worst part isn’t that I lied but it was that they believed me.
I’m getting worse and you don’t know it.

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I lay under my covers and listen to music,this music is therapeutic; it’s what keeps me together.
” just be happy.” They say
Do you think I don’t want to be happy?
Do you think I chose to be depressed?
Honey, My happiness withered away like roses in the winter.

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I lie awake crying my eyes out reminiscing, I’m afraid to turn around and look at the clock and see that I have wasted hours crying. It’s not insomnia its me thinking; crying. I wish I could smile and mean it again.

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Why I Make Music…

(: just like me

JamesRadcliffe.com

I make music because of the place that it comes from.  The state I am in when I am making it.  That place where time disappears and everything else dissolves.  The place where fierce joy rises up, unbidden, like golden light filling a well.

That is why I make music.

I believe that this state is communicable thru music.  And that the communication of this state is something as vital and important to us as food, or air, or love.

For me, that is the value of great art.

I am still recording every night; from around midnight till maybe 5 in the morning.

This is my favourite part of the day.  It doesn’t feel like I have a deadline; it feels almost indecently pleasurable, like rolling in ice cream.  The music is a distillation of all the greatest moments from this practice.  It is concentrated joy in a bottle. …

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Asi fue

It all came out the morning of December 25, 2013. This Christmas was the most horrible one yet. Agh although we got everything we needed to say out. This Christmas once again my father spent away from us. We finally got tired of it and told him everything that was on our mind.
” you’re never there for us!
” you always chooses your sisters over us!”
By the expression on his face those words hit him like bullets. I guess he didn’t think we felt like this.
” no, I love you guys more than anything else in the world .”
” no you don’t because is you did you would do something about it.”
” yes I do and I will promise you there will be change!”
” no! No! Screw you! ”
My sister and I stormed out of the house. As I looked up to her tears were falling down her face, her mascara was running. Her cheeks were pink and puffy. I was holding back the tears, my throat hurt from trying not to cry. I didn’t want to damage my reputation from being ” the tough girl.” I also hated crying In front of people, I didn’t want their sympathy. When we got back home, my sister ran into her room and began to sob into her pillow. I went into the living room and sat down and just sat there. My father left his room and found me in the living room. He pulled me into his room and sat down and hugged me.
” I love you. He said as I began to sob and I’m sorry if I’ve never been there for you, I promise you I will change.” As soon as he finished I could no longer hold in the tears and I began to cry in his arms. That was the first time in his life that he has ever saw me cry.I have never felt so weak and yet so protected in my life.
” I promise you mija I love you and I will change.” He said as he kissed my head. He pulled in my sister, brother and I into his room for a little intervention.
” please guys tell me what I have to do to make things better, I want to change and be a better person.” I really appreciated his effort to become a better dad. At no other moment have I felt so much respect and love for him.
” but if you already hate me, and you want me leave and never come back, I will do so because I want you guys to be happy .” I looked up at him and shook my head no.Although my father was never there for me, I could never hate him because I love him to much and I really need my father. After we discussed our problems and decided on what he needs todo to make our family whole again. I realized that he is amazing, he is great father for trying to make us happy. I respect him and love him with all my heart. I only hope now that he really means that he will change, I guess only time will tell. Although I have no doubt in my mid that he will change.

Keep hope <3

I’ve searched my soul but as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve come to find my self is unclassified. I still believe in laughter, love and a god up above that will walk me down a path that he knows is right for me. But I realized I don’t fit in in such a civilized say to the rules and the customs that society say. Therefore I don’t fit in this big scheme of life, but my life is the way it should be so I know it’s alright.