Pain is the only thing telling me I’m alive

I still laugh
I still smile
But it only last for a while
Behind closed doors, I cry
I cry and I cry.
I cut too
People will check my wrists but not my thighs.

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People will ask
” are you okay?”
An I will respond with my usual lie
” I am fine”
The worst part isn’t that I lied but it was that they believed me.
I’m getting worse and you don’t know it.

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I lay under my covers and listen to music,this music is therapeutic; it’s what keeps me together.
” just be happy.” They say
Do you think I don’t want to be happy?
Do you think I chose to be depressed?
Honey, My happiness withered away like roses in the winter.

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I lie awake crying my eyes out reminiscing, I’m afraid to turn around and look at the clock and see that I have wasted hours crying. It’s not insomnia its me thinking; crying. I wish I could smile and mean it again.

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